Creating "Safe Spaces' for Feminst Discussion

Image by aranarth via Flickr

There has been a lot of discussion recently on a forum I visit about 'safe spaces' and how to create them and also what type of discourse is preferable in feminist spaces. It has been brought up that perhaps there is a need to create a 'women only' tag, where women are able to discuss issues free from men and particularly the aggressive, male privileged posting style of some of the men in the group.

This is coming from the growing trend within the group in which nearly every thread is dominated by men, and many women are being turned off of the topics because of it...myself included. I have grown tired of rummaging through the cursing, the insults, the 'pissing contests' and that need to win instead of discuss. I am tired of reading statements by men completely discounting the ideas and experiences of women in an authoritative and condescending way.

I would like to point out at this point, that is definitely not ONLY and exclusively the men in the group who lend to this atmosphere although is appears that women are the ones who are effected by it the most. They are censoring themselves, they are feeling fearful of expressing themselves, they are uncomfortable and some (like myself) have chosen to post carefully and rarely.

So the big question: Can a safe space exist for women in an open forum and how can it be accomplished?

Some say that "NO it cannot exist" at least not for ALL women. WOC, trans gendered persons and LGBQ women may not feel 'safe' in a space that is dominated by white cis-gendered women. I admittedly know very little about the Feminist perspective through the eyes of these women but I would hope that I could create an atmosphere where these women were willing to share that perspective with me. Through positive discussion, we have the opportunity to learn so much...and is a huge reason why I joined the group in the first place.

It has also been brought up that many women DO, in fact, engage in a very 'patriarchal' style of communication so 'women only' spaces will not necessarily achieve that goal. I do believe, though, that a lot of that has to do with women learning and adapting the best ways to communicate in 'UN-safe spaces'. I have to wonder if a 'safe space', many women would change or adapt from that style of posting to a more non-confrontational and less aggressive style.

When it all boils down, to me anyways, the answer seems to be that the secret to creating a 'safe space' is the mutual desire of all the participants to achieve it. Only when people are willing the check their privilege and communicate in a way that is constructive and inclusive, will there be a chance at creating a 'safe space'.

This is, unfortunately, something that too many people in this particular group, seem VERY unwilling to do and the group as a whole is suffering for it.

Where is the Truth in "The Ugly Truth"

I had a lazy afternoon yesterday, so I decided to watch a couple of movies. First, was "Jennifer's Body" which I thoroughly enjoyed. I am a huge fan of Diablo Cody and of Amanda Seyfried so I had been anticipating it for a while. I was not disappointed.

After being satisfied by the first movie, I wasn't sure that another movie could top it...so I set out to BE disappointed. My quest was fulfilled when I came across "The Ugly Truth" starring Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigl.

The idea is not a new one. Control freak woman meets wise outspoken asshole who teaches her how to be loved and end up falling in love with each other. BARF! There was a lot of overt sexism in the movie but I think that theme that seemed to bother me the most was that Heigl's character, who was a morning show producer, didn't have great success in her life until the cocky 'Mike Chadaway' came in on his white horse and fixed everything.

At the beginning of the movie, Abby was producing a show on the verge of being cancelled despite her obvious competence at her job. 'Mike Chadaway', on the other hand has a successful cable access show called "The Ugly Truth" where he hands out his own special brand of dating advice not unlike Justin Long's character 'Alex' in the movie 'He's just not that into You". Chadaway's show ends up as a segment on Abby's and VIOLA...he saves her show by completely ignoring her advice and doing his own thing. What a hero.

Abby is also cursed in the dating department. We see her on a first date where she comes off as neurotic, controlling and without a personality. Needless to say, it is a late date with that man...cause really what kind of man wants an assertive woman like that? This is the main theme of the movie; Chadaway helping Abby get the man of her dreams by following a ridiculous set of rules like never criticize a man, laugh at his terrible jokes, let him have control and try to portray yourself as the librarian/stripper type (??). So basically stroke his ego and his Madonna/Whore complex.

There were few redeeming moments in this movie. One being a public vibrating panty scene. I did find myself giving a good chuckle here, but at the same time I was slightly disturbed that the person controlling the panties (unknowingly) was a 10 year old boy. In another scene, Abby confesses to her dream man that she hasn't been honest with him about who she really is. She recalls here, how Colin (the boyfriend) was feeding her caviar and she shares with him how she hates being fed like a toddler. That struck me, as I have always wondered what is so romantic about being fed like an infant. I giggled.

I have to say that even though the plot was pretty recycled and the movie was sexist bordering on misogynistic, it WAS mildly entertaining.

Finding my Path

I've decided to get personal.

My life is pretty simple. I stay home with my children while my partner goes to work and brings home the baco. I love our arrangement. I enjoy teaching my children and watching them learn and experience life. He enjoys going to work and doing his job.

My life at present is not the problem. My problem lies in the future. Becoming a Mother kind of put the unanswered questions out of my mind for a coupe of years. What am I going to be when I grow up? I've never known and now that my kids are getting older, I find the question is creeping back into consciousness. All I ever knew I wanted to be, was a Mother. Beyond that is an abyss.

I always had plenty of ideas. Lawyer, teacher, marine biologist, zoologist...they were all dreams of mine at one point or another. Dreams fade fast though, especially when you face discouraging people. Mine was my Mother. she has and still has very little faith in me...and in turn I have very little faith in myself. Recently though, I gave my Mother a great big "FUCK OFF" and am slowly finding myself again and gaining back my confidence.

I am starting to have dreams again. I want to start playing music again and start a band. I want to write a book and a screenplay. I want to direct a movie and act in one. I want to take beautiful pictures and share them with the world. I want to start a brilliant magazine or contribute to one. I feel like the possibilities are endless and it fills me with excitement.

I am struggling on where to go from here. I have never felt free to follow my own path and not that I am standing at the dawn of a new day...new journey, I just want to put my shades on and call a taxi. I just don't know how to get there.



Today I made a vision board in hopes that it would help me visualize my dreams. If I can visualize them, maybe I can figure out a way to pull that vision off of the page and bring it into reality. I have to figure out a way. I have to hope that good things come my way and that I get the opportunity to make my dreams come true.

I have never known much success and I pray this is a step in the right direction to finding it.

My Tiny Feminists

I don't write much about my children even though as a Mom it's probably the easiest subject to write about. I dedicate so much of my time to my little ones that I really make a conscious effort to keep some outside interests separate from them. Alas, that is proven to be too difficult especially when I observe in them positive attitudes that make me feel proud as a parent.

My son, H, will be 5 (HOLY CRAP) next month and he is a truly awesome child. He's extremely independent and introspective...and extremely bright. This kid was sounding out words before I even knew he knew his alphabet! Much of what he learns, he learns independently. He is also a very sensitive and emotional child, and that shows in how he is able to empathize with others and express his feelings in shocking clarity and insight.

This brings me to my daughter, L, who is 3 years 3 months old. Her and I definitely share an amazing bond partly due to our wonderful and currently ongoing nursing relationship. She is funny, witty, intelligent, sensitive, confident, insightful and charming. She knows what she wants and is never afraid to stand up for herself. It always makes me smile to witness her assertiveness...especially since I have a very hard time myself being assertive.

The other day we were all in the backyard playing cars in the garden when the little boy next door, about 8 or 9, came over to play with my 4.5 year old son.

The first thing he said was "Why is your SISTER playing cars? Doesn't she have any dolls?" I watched to see how my son would answer.

"We both have some dolls but we don't want to get them dirty. Cars are better for outside." The boy looked at him weird, and then giggled at them.

Then L said "I like playing cars with H. Mine's black. That's my favourite colour". The boy screamed and then said "You can like black but it can't be your favourite. Pick pink or purple. Which one?"

L kinda gave him a stink eye, and said in her most assertive voice "I LIKE BLACK". Conversation ended.

I went back to reading my book and the kids all played nicely for another 20 minutes, until they heard the roar of the Snowbirds overhead. They were getting into formation for the airshow nearby so the kids watched as the six planes slid through the clouds. L put her arms out like they were wings and began running around the yard, making airplane noises.

"I am going to be an airplane driver when I get big" She sang excitedly as she lost sight of the planes. "Pilot" her brother corrected her.

"You can't do that" the neighbour boy pipes in "Pilots are men, not girls".

I looked up from my book again, wondering what would happen next.

"Girls have to be teachers or nurses or nothing, like my Mom" he continued. At this point, my jaw dropped. NOTHING? Yikes I wonder what she would have thought if she heard that!

"You liar" L said "I going to be a piwot"

"Amleila Earhart was a pilot girl and she was a girl so L can too" H adds as boy walk across the driveway home, whispering "Little kids are so annoying" under his breath.

I must say I was a little surprised at my sons knowledge so I asked him where he learned that. "I saw it in a movie once"...I HOWLED in a fit of laughter. At the same time, I am incredibly proud in my kids' attitudes and happy that they are both growing up without their genders standing in the way. I hope I can continue to instill these values in them as they enter school and are exposed to more and more of the wrong kind of attitude.

Musical Monday "City of Angels" by Distillers

Rock and a hard Place: What's a mother to do?

4 children are in the custody of Child Protective Services after their Mother locked them in their apartment while gone to work. If charged with child neglect the Mother could face up to 3 years on prison.

As a Mother I am obviously critical of this woman's lack of judgment. The oldest of the children was only 6 years old and left in charge of 3 other children including a 1 year old and all things considered I think it's very lucky that the children getting out and wandering the complex was the worst that happened.

That being said, I have to put myself outside of my own situation. I am assuming that this woman is a single Mom (since I have found no mention of the Father) of 4 small children, working hard to provide for her family during these financially hard times. Stuck without childcare or support she was forced to make a decision...survive or struggle.

The local Police Chief tends to agree with this conclusion. In fact, it is not his first case with similar circumstances in recent weeks. Greenwood police, where this family is from, have investigated 3 cases in the last 3 weeks. "I think it may be economic stress" Chief Pitcher is quoted as saying "People are having to deal with life with less financial resources. Maybe they are cutting things out that shouldn't be cut out". Or maybe they are struggling so badly that poor decisions like this are seemingly the only way to stay afloat.

This story and the others like it appear to be a clear sign that women and children are not being adequately supported, especially in these tough economic times. There is no reason we have to read stories like this. There is no reason a woman needs to choose between keeping her children safe and keeping them clothed, fed and sheltered.

Today's Special: Placenta

The human body has very little respect from most people. Our functions are gross and our insides are 'guts' and natural human processes are below us more new and improved 'civilized' people. We apologize for gas, we turn taps on in the bathroom so no one can hear and we cover our babies as they eat from our breasts. Human beings have become very phobic of their naturalness.

Women's bodies, functions and naturalness seem to be at the top of that phobia list though. From sexuality, to lactation, to PMS and 'that-time-of-the-month' all the way to childbirth and aging...nearly every process a woman goes through is moralized and demonized for a lack of understanding and a need to control.

These were my thoughts as I read a sentence about women eating their placenta or 'Placentophagy'. Is a normal human (female) behavior worthy of ridicule or worse, comparisons to hexes and witchcraft (with negative implications) or is it worthy of respect?

Placentophagy is common in nearly all placental mammals. In the non-human animal kingdom, the placenta provides important nutrition to the mother, contrary to the popular idea that it is done to hide evidence of birth. Pregnancy takes a lot from the females body and the placenta is full of vital nutrients to keep the mother healthy through the postpartum and nursing period.

Placentophagy has been practised throughout time in places all over the world. In fact, the word 'placenta' literally means 'mother cake' suggesting that it was normal at one time to consume the placenta. In Chinese medicine, placenta is dried and used as an ingredient in traditional medicine. The benefits of the placenta have been and still are seen as vitally important and at the very least worthy of respect in many cultures. Placenta traditions include burying of the placenta in a garden and planting a tree on top of it, symbolizing the life giving aspect of the placenta. In our culture, however, it is treated a human waste and used to make skin cream.

So what are the benefits of consuming the placenta? It contracts and cleanses the uterus, eases the stress of birth on the body, eases post partum pain and hemorrhaging, promotes lactation and provides nutrition. Recent studies also suggest that the hormones present in the placenta may actually deter the onset of PPD. This is GOOD for women and should be supported and encouraged instead of demeaned and demoralized, and then turned around to make a profit.

There are many different ways to consume the placenta and receive it's benefits. It can be eaten raw, cooked using a variety of recipes, added to smoothies and even dried and made into capsules to take daily like a vitamin.

Here is a great video of a professional chef preparing human placenta to be made into capsules...

And another of a man preparing a pasta sauce with his son's placenta

Enjoy! Spread placenta love:)